Satirikum: I Accidentally Cleaned my Apartment  – And How You Can Too ! 

The following is the epic tale of how I ended up cleaning my apartment by accident. It is a tale of hygiene and treachery. Bear with me, and I shall reveal how you too can be as clean as me! 

How I accidentally Cleaned my Apartment… 

Yesterday, as I was washing my hands, I noticed that I should shave my neck. So that I did. 

Then, as I was cleaning out my stubble from the sink, I notice that the top of the sink was very dirty. 

So, I did the responsible thing to do when you’re about to leave the apartment to go somewhere elsestarted cleaning the sink. 

THEN, I noticed that the water I used to washout the sink was draining very slowly. So, being like, five minutes late at this point, I made the responsible decision: I opened the pipes to clean out the blockage. 

Of course, doing this, I discovered that the pipes were beyond stinky and messy. And since my bathroom sink was currently pipeless, I had to bring them to the kitchen sink to wash them. 

Now, don’t worry. I didn’t use the normal dish-washing utensils to do this (that would have been disgusting!), but I was still afraid that I might have gotten some rotten-water-droplets onto the pile of dishes I had stacked next to the sink. More on this later. 

So, I brought the now-clean pipes back to the bathroom sink. I was slightly annoyed when I noticed that a small pool of stinky-water had spilled onto the floor under the sink, but I figured it would be quick to clean up with a soaped-up washcloth or something. 

Of course, that was before I cut myself on the pipes and sprayed blood onto a large swathe of the floor. Don’t worry, it wasn’t a bad cut, just a very messy one. 

So, having created a rather bloody (heh) mess at this point, I figured that I might as well clean the entire bathroom floor while I was at it. 

But, OF COURSE, in doing this, I noticed that the toilet was kinda icky (and by kinda, I mean very). And since I already had soap and washcloth and bucket at-the-ready, why not just do the toilet too, right? 

At this point I was probably around 40 minutes late to go see my friend. But I had fortunately been on the phone with her for most of this, and since she was kinda laughing her ass off, I figured she might not mind. 

I did have some trouble washing under the toilet seat where it was attached, though. Very annoying. But then I figured, “hey, can’t I just remove it?” And it turns out I could, I and got into those disgustingly nasty nooks and crannies with my wash-cloth. 

Cleaning the now-detached toilet seat, I noticed I could pull it apart. Which made it easier to clean. Which was nice. 

Now, it did occur to me that I had just washed a dirty-ass (heh) toilet seat in the shower, so I thought it would probably be a good idea to clean the shower too. Which I did. 

I was, at this point, probably like one-and-a-half hours late to my friend, but I felt like I had to do the dishes too so that I didn’t end up poisoning my house-spouse and myself with those dirty-ass(-/hands?)-sink-pipe droplets. So, I did the dishes. And cleaned the kitchen counter-top for good measure. And the oven top. And the counter-top wall. 

And the side of the refrigerator. 

At this point, I took a shower (gotta clean myself too!) and finally left to meet my friend, only, like two-three hours late. 

And yes, if you’ve noticed that this does not mention the living room and bedroom and thus probably doesn’t make up an entire apartment, then congratulations! You’ve caught me in a deliberately hyperbolic exaggeration for comedic purposes. Give yourself a pat on the back! 

… And How You Can Too 

If you don’t know what a Rube Goldberg machine is, you’ve missed out! 

For those not-in-the-know, a Rube Goldberg machine is a needlessly complicated sequence of events meant to accomplish a simple task. Imagine setting up a ridiculously long line of domino bricks to push a button, except the bricks of dominoes are, like, things falling, balls rolling, stuff burning etc. 

That’s basically what I accidentally did to myself and my apartment. 

From now on, I shall make sure to booby-trap any place where I live whenever it’s time to clean, and I recommend doing the same. 

Imagine placing an opened bottle of salsa in front of the shower, so that you’ll accidentally make it fall when you step out of it (or into it). 

Fuck, now you’ve got a mess on the floor that you need to clean. 

And because you stepped in it, as you’re walking to get your cleaning supplies (which you’ve wisely placed in the opposite end of your house/apartment), you’ve now made sure you have to clean even MORE floors while you’re at it. And then you remember you’ve placed the soap in another end of your domicile, and just to be safe, you’ve placed a small (plastic) bowl of even MOAHR salsa above the door behind in which you keep it. And it falls onto the floor. And your cat steps in, of course, and when you chase her away, you’ve now made sure there’s salsa on all the floors, on the coach, and probably on the kitchen countertop and some of your forgotten, dirty dishes too! 

And thus, you’ve FORCED yourself to clean. BRILLIANT! 

Ps. Lazy people should probably not attempt this, as you’ll just end up with rotten salsa everywhere. 

Tekst: Emil Olai

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