There’s no empty space in this one-person bed and I sleep cosily on heaps of pillows. Maybe too many pillows. Am I trying to compensate for the lack of an actual human sleeping beside me? Maybe. But ehm, that’s not the point here. I used to be a huge romantic, and in many ways I still am. But the more I wore my heart on my sleeve in hopes of someone holding it carefully, the more I realized that people would rip that shit apart, thread by thread. And so, I found solace in my own company. To enjoy moments by myself and start romanticizing the beauty of being alone (Not me writing this while listening to Die Alone by FINNEAS, send help). I’m only kidding, I swear.
The thought of being alone scares me to the core, I’m not going to lie. But somewhere along the road, I made my peace with it. We as humans are bound to feel a need for another person’s warmth, a connection, a need for intimacy, and that’s natural. But when you’ve lost so much hope of love in general, you learn to be fond of the time you spend with yourself. I learned a lot when I pushed myself to spend more time with myself, enjoying my own company. One exercise that I often did when I first started practicing, is that I went to museums and cafes alone. I had such a good time just wandering around with my own thoughts, and the need for another person being there seemed to fade away. I used to go to cafes to read, and I still do because it’s the time in the week when I really appreciate the beauty of being in my own world for a little while. I am hoping that I’m not sounding too delusional, but the moment you start loving the time you spend by yourself, things change.
And I am perfectly okay with being single right now. Do you know how lovely it is to have the whole bed for yourself? To not have to schedule your time around someone else? It sounds a bit cynical and narcissistic maybe, but it is true. My days are packed with either part-time work, school and assignments and my own creative projects. So I am realizing that I don’t have time either, for a romantic relationship. And the time I do have, I want to spend with my friends and myself.
I have sacrificed so much of my happiness trying to please people that wouldn’t even think twice before hurting me. And honestly, I don’t really want to do it again unless I’ve found the love of my life. Which isn’t going to happen anytime soon, I think. I’d rather do nice things for myself, and be kinder to myself. I don’t want to be a broken person, relying on someone else to fix me. I would rather do it myself.
I am again, not going to lie. More often than not, I do crave the presence of a significant other, and I do feel lonely at times. I do miss the intimacy of holding hands, talking until late at night, kissing and all that cheesy crap. But the time I spend alone, helps me with trusting myself more. I used to be super insecure as a person, but the more I learned how to be alone, the more I stopped depending on others for my own happiness. I am self-sufficient and I keep myself busy. The time I have for myself, is time that I cherish so much. And it’s honestly hard to give it up. There are so many sides of pursuing someone that makes me feel so nervous to the core, and honestly it feels so good not having to think about that for a while. Being single gives me more opportunity to grow as a person, I feel like I give myself more compassion and care than any other potential partner could do for me right now.