(Mom, if you ever find this, please either bury it with me or read it as my eulogy. Thanks.)
(Also, this is in no way, shape or form sponsored by Womanizer. Sadly.)
The month of love is here, and I can’t be the only one sick and tired of all the pink heart-shaped bullshit that’s being seen everywhere. No valentine this year? Don’t worry babes, you won’t need one after reading this review of the one and only, by women for women, the buzzzzzing sensation, the all-mighty Womanizer. (Alexa play Womanizer by Britney Spears.)
First of all, let me get into why I bought this godsend of a device in the first place. I dealt with a lot of crappy men in 2022. Most of them being all talk and minimal action, and I got so tired of wasting multiple minutes of my time faking oooh’s and aaah’s until they roll over after a few weak strokes and ask me “did you finish baby?”. No. No I did not. I had seen this toy so much in the media, TikTok videos of girls convincing me that this is the best thing to basically exist. “You won’t need a man again”, was the selling point. So, one January evening, after having reflected over how unsatisfied I had been lately, I caved in and spent 1000kr on this little gem. And let me tell you, it was so worth it.
I was so excited for it to arrive in the mail. I had ordered the Womanizer Liberty, which is the cheaper (but still expensive) alternative of the ones that the brand offers. This Womanizer is what is called a clitoris vibrator – a vibrator for that hidden treasure of the Bermuda triangle, since it’s apparently “so hard to find”, which makes it stand out a little more in the crowd amongst all the dildos and phallic shaped objects you’d usually put in your cooch. The package arrived on a Monday morning, and you bet your ass that I was on a mission to test it first thing that night. I even set the mood for this whole show, turned down the lights, made sure my blinds were closed, and that my roommates weren’t home (I’m sorry if you’re reading this loves). The packaging is super pretty, and it comes in a little case, which makes it easy if you want to take it somewhere with you.
This little friend has 6 levels of vibration, so it’s all up to you how intense you want it. For me, please excuse the TMI, but it takes some time for me to get properly aroused. So, I cranked this baby up to 4-5 in the beginning, and as I got used to it, I went for level 6. The thing with the Womanizer is that it takes time getting used to. Not gonna lie, it’s kind of tricky to know how to navigate it if you haven’t used one before. The device works like a little suction cup on your clitoris, sending vibrations mimicking the act of oral sex. So, it takes time to figure out how to position it right. There’s a learning curve to it, but like any good thing, it’s worth the wait. But when you crack that code, holy fucking shit, you’ll be sent to another dimension.
What takes me roughly 20 minutes with a man (if I’m lucky) or more, takes me around 2 minutes with the Womanizer (If you don’t believe me, I timed it once for the sake of this review, and it took 1.36 minutes). I have never felt such intense pleasure as what this vibrator offered me. My legs were shaking like a middle-aged alcoholic trying to pour his late-night scotch and let’s just say that I am incredibly glad that my roommates weren’t home at that moment. I’m telling you, if you live in a student housing, and don’t have a soundproof room, good luck babe. Not only is the vibrator great to use alone, but if you do actually have a partner (I mean, why would you need one?) I could imagine that it would be great to use under sex too. Don’t be afraid to explore a little! It’s even waterproof, so there are many possibilities here.
If I were to point out two cons with the toy, it’s that it might be loud, but in my opinion it’s still more quiet than other toys I’ve heard of or tried. Also, the jumps in intensity between the 6 levels can feel a little sudden or startling, but I found it easy to get used to. But the whole spectrum of pros is enough to make it worth it, in my opinion. One smart little tip is to make sure that the vibrator is charged because when this thing stopped right before I was about to climax, I swear I wanted to throw it at the goddamn wall. So yeah, just a heads up! On a real note, buying this for myself was a practice of self-love and a step towards not relying on men to keep me satisfied. And I’m telling you babes, the hills are alive with the sound of buzzzzzing ;)