Your most dreaded advice column is back after a wonderful holiday break. Babes, I pray you had a cosy festive season. I personally celebrate the holidays by falling over twice at our local shopping centre: a family tradition. Unfortunately, it’s such a rare practice that many people are less than considerate, but I won’t let the haters get me down. Strong people pick each other up; and themselves.


Q: What should I keep in mind going into the New Year?

As we keep cosy by the wall mounted heater this January, much comes to mind about what we want for the coming year. But perhaps we shouldn’t be thinking of our own plans but those of people with real fireplaces. Upping the pay grade of your local politicians, c’mon you know you want to.


Q: What message should I post before exiting a group chat? (Asking for a friend xx)

Honey, there is no one right answer to this one. You need to feel out the situation. Are you growing distant, no longer having the energy? A heartfelt rendition of Mars rover Opportunity’s last message might do the trick: “My power’s really low, so this may be the last image I can send. Don’t worry about me though: my time here has been both productive and serene. If I can keep talking to my mission team, I will – but I’ll be signing off here soon. Thanks for staying with me.”

Or maybe your friends have scorned you. You might want to take a more professional approach. Try something like this: “I have some bittersweet news to share today. [Name], a cherished member of our [Group Chat] family, has decided to embark on a new quest outside our realm. (Broken heart emoji) Let’s cheer them on for the next leg of this journey that is life! (Heart emoji) (Fireworks emoji).


Q: Should I quit drinking this New Year?

I’d be sad to see you go. #StayHydrated #KeepOnChugging


Q: Can I fix him?

The question is not can, it is how. I thoroughly recommend the kintsugi method. You may have to crack him a bit more first but it’s worth it for the end result, a beautifully adorned … You have to break some eggs to make an omelette.


Q: Any tips on how to save money?

The plight of money-homelessness plagues many when they form their New Year’s plans. Should I save, or should I invest? Should I buy my coffee on campus or put one in my bag with all my electronics?  What about the poor money living it rough on the streets? Recent weather has made life especially tough for the coins in the cold. Give it a home in your digital bank account as soon as possible. Save a Life.


Q: Should I dye my hair again?

Why of course you should, dear! Self-expression, no matter how you do it, is always a good thing. That said, make sure you don’t get that colouring in places you don’t want it! I swallowed some once, and while the doctor said I was fine, I felt like I had dyed a little on the inside…


Q: My refrigerator has been making strange noises at night, and I suspect it might be trying to communicate with extraterrestrial beings. Should I be concerned, or is my fridge just lonely?

Everyone wants a friend dearie. Have you considered spending more time with your fridge? If it feels wanted in its home environment it might be less compelled to engage with risky social behaviour. Or maybe it’s just hungry.


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