For those of you that love throwing shade, as much as standing in it looking creepy, the festive season is the perfect time to unleash your inner Scrooge! Not only was he a sexy icon of frugality (those varicose veins, yum) trying as hard as he might to avoid spending any time with anyone, even he succumbed to the clutches of a family dinner by the end of the film. Have no fear, however, for Adam and Alice (the bitch reporters) are here to make sure that you won’t have to suffer the same unholy fate. With the winter holidays once again threatening constant happiness, what better way to show your friends and family how much you “appreciate” them, than by gifting them a present they will never forget, no matter how much they may want to. No, please, don’t thank us.
Warning, they get progressively more offensive (or effective).
Number 1: You (not the Netflix series)
Isn’t your presence a gift enough? Why bother spending lots of money for something that will be used once, when the amazing person that you are is a blessing already. Besides, this gift works for almost anyone. Can’t be bothered to go to the store? Just put on some fancy clothes, your fakest smile, and have a go at everyone. It’s a classic.
Repeat after us: “What better way to enjoy the present, when the present is me!”
Number 2: Tins (food, non-perishable: unlike your relationship).
The process is thus: walk into your nearest department store and loudly command “show me the beans.” At this point, Sharon, the customer service advisor, will highlight the relevant aisle if there isn’t a beam of light emanating from it already, much like the star that helped guide the three wise men. A task that took three men two thousand years ago, however, only takes one today, since there is now a woman to help. Thanks Sharon. Isn’t she great?! Advance!
Repeat after us: “Now you can go out alone at night again as tins aren’t registered weapons. Yet.”
Number 3: A mirror (which present is the fairest of them all?)
When the opportunity presents itself for somebody to take something the wrong way, always go for it. Is your chosen recipient in love with their own face almost as much as yours? Check. Should they consider it a philosophical message surrounding selfie culture, which offers copious amounts of academic research to keep them quiet (since you’ve read all of them already, of course)? Check. Besides, if the mirror arrives cracked, they’ll have to deal with all the bad luck. As it should be. Check.
Line: “I don’t need this anymore as there was nothing to improve. Sorry not sorry.”
Number 4: A total make-over (so you can look them in the face without crying)
If their personality can’t be saved, maybe their looks can? Gifting someone a total make-over is a great way to save your eyes from going blind, and save them from looking like the ugly-duckling next to you. It can easily be shrugged off as a spa-day, or allows them to fix the insecurities they should be worried about. Maybe if you’re extra lucky, someone else might become interested in them, and take them off your hands!
Line: “Beauty isn’t everything, but when you have no personality it certainly helps.”
Number 5: Nasal hair remover (they’ll even get to keep them)
Imagine the face of your enemy when they open this magnificent present. We’re now entering the territory of gifts that might make them get the memo. However, you can easily play this one off as a helpful suggestion. You’re their friend, and you “obviously” have good intentions. Although you’re not creative enough to come up with your own gift ideas. Negative effects: it might make it easier for them to breathe.
“There’s no need to beat around the bush!”
Number 6: Axe body spray (in lieu of an actual axe)
If you’ve ever been to a high school, you’ll know the scent of this menace to society. One would think you’d get rid of it when you graduate, but our lovely editor in chief had other plans. If you’ve already fought the desire to get an actual axe, this is a great replacement. The receiver will feel invincible, whilst failing at gaining attention from the opposite sex (like normal). However, the same sex may be attracted which will definitely prove for a more interesting night out. I can guarantee you this scent will not draw in the right people. Perfect for your mischievous plans.
“Ugh, you’re gross. Spray that body!”
Number 7: Self-help books (because, obviously, you don’t need them)
If you’ve not been able to chase away your present receiver already, you might need to take the matter into your own hands (but not like that, yet). Gifting them a self-help book, to at least partially improve their presence in your life, could be beneficial. Or it will give them some qualities that are a replica of a decent personality. Our suggestions include (but are not limited to):
- ‘Girl, Wash Your Face’ by Rachel Hollis
- ‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ by Ichiro Kishimi
- ‘Maybe You Should Talk to Someone’ by Lori Gottlieb
“Be thankful it wasn’t Mein Kampf.”
Number 8: A gift card for therapy
Gift cards are everywhere, even though they shouldn’t be. While I’m sure they’d love a Paramount+ subscription, there’s only so many times you can watch ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ without wanting to do something maverick yourself. Like staging an intervention, perhaps, on a much more psychological level. If you can’t find the time to pray for them at the Church of Scientology, then maybe a more radical approach is required to peel away the layers of that onion you call Gran. God knows she loves an audience, mainly because she won’t give him a minute’s bloody peace. Even he took the seventh day to rest and so should she. Learning is life-long which means it’s never too late to start. Zimmer frames sold separately. #yolo
“I ran out of witch’s totems. Sorry.”
Number 9: A map (to help that special someone find their way out of your life).
If telling someone to choose love doesn’t work, then a map might help them go into the wilderness, and never be found again. Just mark a spot, tell them there’s a pot at the end of the rainbow, and maybe hire an assassin to get the job done (they have student discounts now, such is the demand). Who doesn’t love a scavenger hunt? Especially the police! You’re gifting them a more interesting day on the job, and yourself some inner peace. Karma is a bitch, but then again, so are we. If you can’t afford to hire an assassin, pray the wind blows the map out of their cold hands.
Remember: “After all, Xmas marks the spot.”
Number 10: One way ticket out of the country.
Who doesn’t love a vacation? Forever. While Guantanamo Bay is always fully booked, unfortunately, there are a myriad of other global destinations hostile to freedom, humanity and a trend-setting fashion sense that will give your recipient the once-in-a-lifetime chance to work on their personal development without the distraction of your awesomeness. While there’s usually plenty of room in Chernobyl, Alcatraz is surrounded by water which will make it more difficult to escape from (although not impossible, as Adam and Alice can attest). If your loved ones don’t appreciate the brutalist architecture of a Category A maximum security prison now, they will, of course, with time.
Always remember: “Every angel needs a devil, and that’s where I come in. Sleigh!”
Number 11: A coffin
Want to give your friends and family the ultimate student accommodation experience? SiA Bolig loves dark humour almost as much as we do, so why not go all in with the winter range, that’s kitted out with the latest accessories? Touchscreen? Yes. Surround sound speakers. Duh! You can decorate them with stickers, graffiti and the axe body spray you gave them earlier. They even come with windows now, although you’ll have to buy your own bed linen and pillows. It’s a comfy fit but, then again, the money you’ll save on heating will more than make up for it. Help that special someone feel at home, and take the time to appreciate that you had the last laugh. Literally. Suggested Christmas classics for (your new) home entertainment:
- ‘Panic Room’
- ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’
“Watch your step. It might be your last.”
Number 12: Your autograph
Congratulations! If you’ve made it this far, you’ve joined the elite to become the world-famous celebrity you always knew you could be, because you put yourself first before anyone else! It wasn’t easy but, then again, blinding success never is. Adam and Alice are ready to welcome you to our annual awards dinner on the balcony of the Radisson Blu hotel overlooking the fireworks display on New Year’s Eve with a glass of champagne in one hand and a Golden Globe nomination in the other, because you, dear reader, are a present worth celebrating. We wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! We genuinely mean that. Or do we?
“And the winner is… you, as expected. Skål (and crossbones).”